Anne

As kingfishers catch fire, Dragonflies draw flame* Gerard Manley Hopkins

“I’m about to cycle into town and escape to the library while C and the boys bring in the harvest”, reads Anne’s chirpy text message.

A solo bike ride in the early autumn sunshine (virtuous and mood enhancing as well as beautiful), the luxury of even occasional moments alone to do laid back, restorative things, and a hubby who has the time, talents and inclination to tend a well-stocked allotment. Not for the first time, the thought Gaaaaaaah! I want your life!! flashes across my mind.

Anne lives where I would like to live, in a house I would like to own, with a garden that backs on to a nature reserve. She and her husband work hours that I would classify as ‘substantial part-time’. Both talented and professional musicians, their working lives consist of gigging and instrumental teaching in variable proportions. Anne also directs numerous ensembles for both adults and children, one of which used to include me squeaking away on the flute, and is a keen composer. This is starting to read like a biog, but I have no need to try to ‘sell’ Anne; listing the facts is enough.

“C and I decided a while ago that neither of us wanted to work full-time”, Anne once told me. Good for you, I thought, perhaps a little sourly at the time, as I considered my husband's exhausting work schedule and severely limited time at home.

For a while I became slightly obsessive about comparing aspects of Anne’s life with my own, from her intimidatingly impressive musicianship to her well-cut clothes, and wasted a good deal of time in a state of self-pitying negativity: Huh. Why can’t my husband be home more? Why is my family not doing wholesome outdoorsy things every weekend? Why wasn’t I blessed with musicianship like that? (She dances when she conducts a jazz band. Oh yes, she does. It is very cool. When I first joined one of her ensembles I was so in awe of her I don’t think I could do more than stammer “hello” most weeks. She thought I was about 12.)

More recently, it dawned on me (probably to Anne’s relief, and that of several other good friends) that I had allowed myself to spiral into a victim mentality – with no justification whatsoever, of course. Worse than that, I had become entrenched in a bitter, entitlist mindset, continually listing my woes and doing absolutely sod all to try to improve things. It wasn’t just about Anne, either. I had begun to feel envious of other friends: those who had changed careers, built their dream house or undertaken to start their own businesses.

This simply had to stop, and it did (OK, it more or less did), but then I didn’t know where to start when it came to making changes. I felt overwhelmed. I reconsidered Anne’s comment about not wanting to work full-time, and realised it was all about priorities. Anne is superb at prioritising. She does not have everything she would like, but she ploughs her positive, sparkling energy into pursuing her top priorities.

“We’ve always had crap cars”, she says cheerfully, “because I just couldn’t give a shit. As long as they get us from A to B, that’s all I care about. And we rarely spend more than a grand on a holiday.” Conscious prioritising means Anne and her family live as well and as happily as they possibly can whilst keeping within their means. Location takes priority over having a detached house; home-grown and Lidl groceries take priority over brands; family bike rides (free, fun, healthy) take priority over excess tech (expensive and anti-social).

I realised I was actually being greedy and unrealistic, pining indiscriminately for everything. I was also being incredibly ungrateful. There is a great deal to be said for counting your blessings. That’s another thing about Anne: she is appreciative. Not just of her family, friends (even the odd, awkward friends like me) and the material things, but of life’s experiences in general. If she doesn’t always get what she wants, well, then, she is adept at following the old adage of wanting what she gets. What might be to you or me just a hurtful rebuff, or a moment of withering embarrassment, or a crushing disappointment is, to Anne, also an opportunity to reflect, learn, self-improve and move forwards. She doesn’t stew. She never stews. Seen in this light, her take on life is extremely humbling. It’s also pretty ballsy, and the brilliant thing about it is it puts her in the winning seat every time. If you can turn negatives into positives, you’re bound to radiate sunshine.

On a more spiritual level, despite openly confessing to being fiery, impatient and short-tempered, Anne is actually very good at playing the long game. My Nan used to say you should “do your best and pray the rest”, which resonates with Anne’s philosophy. If something feels right to her, she will not give up at the first hurdle, and if there is nothing more she can do to attain it there and then she will give it time and positive vibes, “leaving the way open”. When I left my job to become wholly self-employed I panicked. I set in motion a domino-like chain of mini-panics; ‘what ifs’ that would probably never materialise. It was Anne who was convinced that work would come my way (she even provided some of it!), and she turned out to be right. But I needed to seek it out and be open to the possibilities.

What are my priorities? Looking at things this way clarifies them and offers possibilities. It feels positive, even empowering, and that – for me – is new. I like it.

Maybe my next project will be picking up the flute again and rejoining the band.

Being Anne

On work:

• "Play to your strengths; I am naturally bossy, so teaching has suited me.

• Play to your weaknesses; I get bored easily, so teaching has suited me!

• If you make a mistake at work, then apologise and move on.  If your colleague wants to dwell on it, then they are the pedant – not you.

• There is nothing wrong with taking a job for the money.  However, if this becomes your permanent and only motivation, then you need to re-assess. Always think about the bigger picture. Which is more valuable – time or money?"

On life:

• "Always have hopes and dreams, but be honest with yourself about where they have come from: do you really want to be a lawyer?  Or have you been checking out George Clooney’s wife and quite like her clothes? You can’t have everything you want.

• With regard to the above, you can have a lot of what you want if you think, plan, prioritise.

• If you have been lucky enough to travel, you will know that this country is actually quite a good place to live and work.  Stop moaning. [Ed's note: this was 2015, remember!]

• Again, with regard to the above, if living where you are is too depressing, then move elsewhere.  Members of my close family have moved abroad and never regretted it.

• It is insane to keep children indoors all day.  Unless you/they are ill, or it is actually dangerous to exit your front door, then it is always worth it.

• It is nonsense to separate mental and physical health.Exercise, preferably in green spaces, makes you feel better.  There is not a single problem I have encountered that has not been reduced or eliminated by walking …"

*This is from one of my favourite poems of all time. Aside from the dizzyingly beautiful imagery, the subject matter itself is also uplifting: all things thriving through doing what they were made to do; being what they were intended to be. Whether or not you are religious, it’s a joyous read. http://www.bartleby.com/122/34.html